#8 The Power of Alignment: Unlocking Fulfilling Relationships with Desiree Britton

Today's episode with relationship psychologist and empowerment coach Desiree Britton is an empowering conversation that will help you to break free from unhelpful dating patterns and cultivate a fulfilling, healthy relationship with yourself and in partnership.

Desiree delves into attachment theory and how to discern your personal truth amidst external pressures, conditioning, and limiting beliefs. We also dive deep into understanding masculine and feminine energy, offering insights on nurturing healthy communication, and polarity in relationship.

This episode is grounded in the importance of self awareness in love, and is not to be missed if you are deeply desiring living in alignment to what lights you up in 2024, calling in a healthy relationships, and leaving the self-sabotage to the past.

About Desiree
Desiree is an incredible practitioner who creates a safe and non-judgmental space for self-exploration, enabling individuals to unlock their potential and manifest abundant, purpose-driven lives. Desiree is a Certified Life Coach and NLP Practitioner and currently completing her Master's of Counselling Psychology along with studies with the Insitute of Holistic Nutrition. 

Connect With Desiree

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_worthywomanwellness/
Website: https://www.desireemichelle.net

Links 

Attachment Style Quiz: 
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray

Your Joyful Host - Jemaine Finlay

Women's health naturopath, personal trainer, NLP & behaviour specialist, Heartmath coach, podcaster, speaker, sun-seaker, and world’s most curious human when it comes to consciousness & human behaviour. A bit of a mixed bag! But hey, at least you'll never be bored!

Connect with Jemaine
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/its.allwellness_podcast/
Website: https://jemainefinlay.com/

Transcript

Episode 8. How To Create Alignment in Life & Relationships with Desiree Britton

JEMAINE:
Today I am so thrilled to have my good friend Desiree Britton on the show. We dive in to how to create healthy alignment in life as well as cultivating divine relationships. Desiree explains attachment theory as well as the origins of understanding the masculine and feminine energy. She also teaches us how to cultivate healthy polarity in our partnerships. Desiree is a women's empowerment coach who specializes in self-worth, relationships, and purpose. Using a trauma-informed, integrative, and embodied approach to practice, Desiree has supported women around the world by holding a non-judgmental space for self-exploration through her online programs and one-on-one coaching, ultimately helping women cultivate self-awareness, self-trust, and self-confidence so that they can create authentically fulfilled lives for themselves. So without more, let's dive in. Desiree, how are you?

DESIREE:
I'm so well, thank you. So excited to be here. How are you, Jem?

JEMAINE:
I'm great. And I'm so excited to have you here. For listeners, Desiree is a good friend of mine that I actually studied NLP with many years ago. And so having a chat before jumping on the podcast today, I'm really excited for this episode. Desiree, you are a very holistic practitioner in every right. I mean, from yoga to psychology, currently studying a bit of nutrition, working with children, trauma-informed care, there's a lot that you've got under your belt. Specifically today, I'm really excited to talk about relationship and alignment for individuals as well. But I would love to just start off with a little bit of your backstory. As I mentioned, there's quite a few tools you've got under your belt. So maybe share with us how they've supported you in your journey and where it's brought you to today.

DESIREE:
Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, Gem. So I definitely feel that for myself, I've always known deep down that I have a calling to support people and help people. I remember even in high school, like, thinking about my long-term vision and goals for life, and I always knew I wanted to study psychology and really work with families and people, but I think that the real turning point for me has been just reflecting on my life and recognizing what a big role relationships have played for me. And for me, that was actually always a big hurdle was, you know, understanding love, understanding how to show up in relationship and how to really create fulfilling authentic relationships. So that became a huge point of interest for me, and it became something that I became very passionate about supporting other people with as well, just because of my own journey. As you mentioned, I'm a very holistic practitioner, so I could, you know, delve into different stories about how I came across other modalities such as nutrition and yoga, but really everything that I've studied has come from my own journey. towards creating a fulfilling life and really seeking out tools to support myself in making the most of this life possible because I really believe that we all have the capability to absolutely thrive and create abundant, beautiful realities, but so often we aren't equipped with the tools and knowledge to understand how to get there. So that's really what my mission on this earth is, is to support as many people as possible in creating an abundant, beautiful reality for themselves and empowering them with knowledge and tools to get there.

JEMAINE:
That's beautiful. And again, why I'm so excited to have you share with us today, because it really is from a really wholesome place, but also an experiential place. Like, yeah, you've got the degrees and the education, but you've also got the life experience that's actually cultivated the why you want to do what you do, which I think is just amazing. One thing I know that you do speak to quite a lot and I actually really aligned with your message on this topic as well but personal alignment, getting clear on our own personal values and getting clarity on what feels aligned for us. So I'm wondering if you could speak a little to that and how that can be brought into relationships as well.

DESIREE:
Absolutely. So, I think that alignment is such a hot topic these days. You know, it's really a buzzword that people have probably heard a whole lot of in the personal development space. So, I'd love to just start on getting really clear about defining what I mean when I speak about alignment. So, when I speak about alignment, what I really mean is a sense of mind, heart, and gut coherence. These are the three brains, the three ways that we perceive the world and receive information and make sense of that information. So, when we have a sense of sameness in all of these three areas, each of these brains is on the same page, and then you are actually living in a way that honors that truth, that is alignment. So that's alignment in comparison to something known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the complete opposite of alignment. This is when we are living in a way that is opposite to what we know to be true within ourselves. Maybe our belief systems, our thoughts, our feelings. So What I find is really important is for people to gain clarity on their value system because their value system is sort of a compass that can guide their decision making and help them find that sense of alignment. Now, this is a whole other topic when we speak about relationships versus when we speak about personal alignment in your individual life, and we could go in either direction, so I'll sort of hand the mic back to you and let you lead the next question with that one.

JEMAINE:
Yeah, sure. How about we start on the personal level first? I love the way that you have brought your definition of alignment. So I'd love to know, for someone who's just like, I don't know if I feel in alignment, because there's a lot of background noise and there's like information overwhelm and there's all these things that we should do, whether it's social pressure or cultural pressure or in the family dynamics. I guess we have inherited value systems and social value systems. How is it that someone can actually identify like, okay, this is an alignment for me. This is aligned with my values and be able to discern that blurred line between what's coming in externally and what actually feels right for us.

DESIREE:
That's a big question and definitely an important question. I'd love to start out by just acknowledging that it's absolutely normal for people to be impacted by their environment, by their family values. And as we grow in the world, you know, we talk about nature versus nurture, what really creates a human being. Of course, the way you are nurtured, the way you are conditioned and brought up in the world is going to impact your view of the world, right? Some people take on their family values and that feels good for them. Other people take on their family values and then later in life they realize, wow, I'm living. very far from my truth. I think that what I see most often in my practice is people generally know what is true for them, but they don't always act on it. And I think that happens for multiple reasons. If you were to ask me, you know, what are some of the reasons why people stay out of alignment in their life, I would say the top three are expectations from themselves or others. They're limiting beliefs and fear, right? So they're fearful of receiving disapproval. They're fearful of what it might mean for their life if they were to make changes or act on the things that they know are true for them. So I think that for a person to really discern what is coming, what is my truth versus what is the result of my conditioning or what's going on externally, the best way is to really start to just listen to yourself, listen to how you feel in different situations. It can be as small as starting out with going through your day and just noticing how your body feels in different situations. What allows you to feel open and expansive? What makes you contract and feel fearful or scared? When you think about a particular decision, what makes you feel excited and lights you up? And what fills you up with hesitations or uncomfortable feelings, right? And I think everything is so nuanced. Sometimes, you know, we have limiting beliefs and that can be fear-inducing and then what really would be exciting for us, we perceive as fear, so I think that it is definitely a nuanced conversation, but I would say that for somebody who's feeling out of alignment in their life and they don't really know what their truth is, just start small and start noticing how you feel on a day-to-day basis, and that will give you some pretty good information to figure out how to move forward.

JEMAINE:
I really love that response. It's very aligned with the way that I speak and what I share with my audience. And that's being the observer, right? We can't go in with the intention to fix things. You know, awareness precedes change. And so when we can actually, I guess, observe our day-to-day movement through life, and like you said, like pay attention. causes us to contract. And when we have that awareness, we actually can recognize that the body, the physiology is quite literally contracting in those moments. And those things that don't necessarily light us up or have us feeling expansive, you'll find in those moments, the voice gets lower, our shoulders start to hunch over, we don't take up space, our body, our limbs, everything draw into the core and quite the opposite when we are in that expansive energy. I always like to think of moments of joy where the physiology is called to action. We might point something at a cat and be like, look a rainbow or look a dolphin. And we take up space. And often when we're excited in conversation, we talk a little faster and a little more high pitched. And when we can become aware of how our physiology and how we are responding day to day, whether it's expansive, like you said, or contracted. That in itself can create so much self-awareness for the next step, so I'm so aligned with the fact that you shared that. It's beautiful.

DESIREE:
Kitelynn Loughlin Absolutely. I love the way that you explained the physiology and just some signs to look for and what we really mean when we say expansive versus contracting.

JEMAINE:
So you did also mention in there limiting belief systems and some conditioning. I'm wondering if you can speak a little to that, like these limiting beliefs that follow us through life and hold us back, and I guess the unconscious conditioning that we gain through life. Is there a way that people can start to reflect on their life and see where these opinions or belief systems have come from and how they can work around them?

DESIREE:
Absolutely. I think that, as you said, awareness precedes change. That is a huge pillar in my practice is gaining awareness, deepening our awareness of ourselves. And so we have limiting beliefs and we have empowering beliefs. Often what happens is as we go about our lives, right, we experience different things and our brains will react to create meaning from what we experience. So, let's use the example of a child touching a hot stove. They've touched that stove the first time, they might just think, oh, that hurt, you know, they might not make much meaning from it. If they do it again, and then they burn themselves on that stove, that experience is reinforcing something to them. They might then make the meaning that, okay, stoves are dangerous. For a person to have multiple experiences that reinforce a certain belief, now that becomes so ingrained in their worldview that they might actually not think to question it. So, we're talking about the example of a child in a stove, right? But this applies to relationships, it applies to what you believe is possible financially. what you believe is possible for yourself, what you can create in the world, what you can achieve in the world. And so what becomes really challenging is, like I said, often when we've had these experiences and they've been reinforced multiple times, we can create these belief systems that we don't think to question. We just see them as reality. We see them as our truth. And so that's where it can become very supportive to work with a coach or a therapist, because this is where you can start to explore, you know, how is this belief system serving me? Is it serving me? You can start to get curious about it. And if you're not in a place where you want to receive that kind of support, even just stepping into that space of the observer mind, like you said, Gem, and what that really means is, I like to think of it as a space in your mind that is separate from your mind. So it's as if you are watching your stream of thought, you're watching your stream of consciousness play out, and you're just observing it from a neutral space without making meaning, without judging it, just noticing. Oh, okay, interesting. Interesting that I perceive this stove is dangerous. And how can I be curious about that, you know? Is it dangerous all of the time? Is it just dangerous when it's hot? Is it dangerous when it's off? Right? So this is a very simple example, but just beginning to spark that sense of curiosity within yourself, and that can come through your own sense of self-awareness, observation, that can come through mindfulness, you know, taking time in life just to really slow down. It can come through journaling, through working with a coach or a therapist. There are so many different avenues, but I think really just being willing to get curious with yourself about what are the belief systems that I really hold and how are they impacting my life.

JEMAINE:
Have you found in the relationship space a particular pattern of limiting beliefs that start to come into relationships and the dating life?

DESIREE:
Yeah, absolutely. So I think that You know, my programs are really geared towards women and one pattern that I notice a lot with the women that I work with is seeking relationships with men or women, whatever a person feels drawn to. but seeking relationships with individuals who are emotionally unavailable. And this happens for so many different reasons, which we can get into. I know that you had planned to speak as well about attachment styles, so we can get into that too. It's definitely very connected, but I would say that chasing emotional unavailability, sabotaging healthy love by avoiding, and also dating people for their potential. These are really common dating patterns that I see people repeating in their lives, and I think that a lot of the time these are connected to limiting beliefs, and often these limiting beliefs are connected to attachment styles.

JEMAINE:
So while we're on that topic, I'd love for you to just share with the audience who maybe this topic is something they haven't heard of before. What is this concept of attachment styles?

DESIREE:
Yeah, absolutely. So attachment theory is also becoming a lot more popular in the personal development space. If you're listening, you may have heard of this theory before. You may have seen it spoken about on social media. It is becoming more popular. But essentially, the concept of attachment is this idea that as children, we develop an understanding about ourselves, about others, and about the world through our closest caregiver relationships. So there are three different attachment styles, and these attachment styles can be separated into two categories. So we can look at attachment through secure, attachment or insecure attachment. A person who has a sense of secure attachment will generally hold the belief system that they are good, they are worthy, and that others are good and worthy, and that the world is a safe place to be in. A person with an insecure attachment might believe that one aspect of that triad, right, themselves, others in the world, is safe and good and worthy, while another aspect is not. So, within insecure attachment, people can experience anxious attachment, or they can experience avoidant attachment. A person with an anxious attachment style might hold the subconscious belief that others are good, others are worthy, but they themselves are not, and the world is not a safe place to be in. So a lot of the women I work with generally experience anxious attachment, and this is where we start to see a lot of these patterns playing out, like chasing emotional unavailability. Now when you think about why that might be, when we have a belief system, our brains will do everything possible to confirm that belief system.

So a person who holds the subconscious belief that they are unworthy, they might be seeking out emotionally unavailable partners because when they are doing that, that person may not be able to show up with love and then that will confirm their belief system that they are unworthy. Our brains are always wired to be as efficient as possible. So we don't want to change our belief systems. We don't want to find evidence that challenges our belief systems. The other attachment style that I haven't spoken about yet is avoidant attachment. So this also falls within the category of insecure attachment. And it's characterized typically by individuals who may experience themselves as good and worthy and others as a threat to their well-being. So this is where people tend to avoid love, right? They avoid relationships because in their mind's eye, whether they are aware of it or not, the idea of emotional proximity with another person is threatening to their sense of well-being. So this is where you might see somebody who sabotages healthy love, right? They experience somebody getting closer and they feel, that is scary, I do not want this, and they might not know why. And this is where, you know, when we speak about alignment, things can get a bit murky and a bit tricky because Often when we work with attachment, people will have these physiological responses, right? But that doesn't necessarily indicate their truth. And this is where people, I always encourage a person in this situation to perhaps consider working with a coach or a therapist because it can be very challenging to differentiate between a person's truth and their trauma, right? with anxious attachment, they might experience healthy, secure love and have a nervous system response that goes, this is not safe for me. But it's simply because it's not what they're used to. It doesn't mean that it's truly unsafe. It doesn't mean that it's not their truth or in alignment with them.

JEMAINE:
It's interesting with this awareness how you can start to observe and see these patterns in your own life and the lives of the people around you as well. I know for myself with my childhood history, I was never in one place for more than two years. I also lived the majority of my life with my mum who struggled with alcoholism through that time and that was a projection of what the domestic violence that she witnessed in her childhood. And so as a child, through my own healing journey, I've learned that I've perceived the world as unsafe and people aren't safe. I was also kidnapped and sexually abused at a really young age as well. So my inner narrative and my belief systems that were consistently being validated through life experience were that people aren't safe. more specifically as well that women aren't safe and I find it interesting and I'm curious to know whether it is just intimate relationships or if this does involve friendship and not intimate relationships as well because I found that with this perception that women aren't safe and this was also modeled to me from my father who following being with my mum, remarried, had two kids, and he was burnt again and had his kids taken away from him. So I guess as a child at a very unconscious level, I kind of said, I won't be like those women. Throughout life, I've had a series of, you know, lengthy relationship, but I don't have any friendships in terms of, like, female-bonded friendship. And any kind of anything that makes me feel like this isn't safe, I just can easily walk away with no kind of sentiment or anything to the friendship, which I think is quite interesting in looking at those attachment theories in terms of the perception of safety. I feel safe, but people outside of me don't feel safe. Is that something that would be a consideration with that theory?

DESIREE:
Absolutely. And I'm so sorry to hear about those experiences, Jem. And I really honour you for sharing those experiences because, you know, when we're vulnerable with others and we share some of our more challenging chapters of life, I think many times other people can find solace and a sense of resilience and strength by witnessing that in another. So thank you for sharing that so openly. Yes, to answer your question, absolutely. The reason that I love attachment theory so much is because not only does it shed light towards the way we operate in romantic relationships, but it also sheds light to the way that we operate in the world. And I think that this can be so empowering for people to really understand. And I think friendships is an area that doesn't get spoken about a lot. As we go through the course of our lives, we change, especially as women. I think we go through so many seasons and cycles and rebirths and we change and we evolve. And often what comes with that is a sense of letting go. letting go of friendships, friendship breakups, you know, and this isn't something that's spoken about and it's not something that I think gets talked about. And so, whether you're struggling with letting go of a friendship or whether you're struggling with having a challenge in establishing that sense of intimacy in your friendships, I think understanding attachment theory in so many ways can shed light towards the way that you might be experiencing that aspect of your life.

JEMAINE:
Mm, mm-hmm. How does healing or re-parenting, like, how would the inner child work come into, I guess, supporting someone's self-love and then their relationship love as well?

DESIREE:
Mm, absolutely. So, in an ideal world, right, we would all experience a sense of wholeness and self-worth and love before entering a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, that is not the way that it works more often than not. And I often get this question, you know, do I have to be fully healed? Do I have to fully love myself before I can love another person? And the answer to that is no, absolutely not. In many ways, I think that being in a relationship, if it's a healthy one, can be deeply supportive in the process of reparenting your inner child, increasing your self-worth, healing from past challenges, whether that is childhood trauma, whether that is challenging past romantic relationships. So I think there's a lot to be said for the power of relational healing. And at the same time, I always encourage people to be on their own path of healing and working on supporting their inner child. So the reason for that is because When we make decisions, right, we can make our decisions from love or we can make our decisions from fear. There's always going to be different factors that contribute, but ultimately, when we are more secure within ourselves, it becomes a whole lot easier to make decisions from love, right? So if you're listening, I encourage you to think about your dating experiences. I encourage you to think about times when you felt really centered in yourself. Maybe you can think of a time when you were really proud of your lifestyle. You had some good support around you. You were feeling quite confident and quite happy. And how did that experience influence the decisions that you've made in your love life? Just take a moment to reflect on that. You might like to pause the podcast Afterwards, I'd encourage you to reflect on a period of time where perhaps life was a bit harder. Maybe you've had more challenges going on around you. You didn't necessarily have the support system. You felt a bit knocked back by life. What kinds of decisions were you making in your love life at that point? I can imagine that the decisions you were making in each would be very different, right? So as we work on reparenting our inner child, creating a deeper sense of security within ourselves, we strengthen our own self-trust and we strengthen our ability to choose things and people and relationships that are truly supportive of our highest path versus choosing relationships, people, and experiences out of a place of scarcity lack mindset, desire to be loved, desire to receive validation, desire to prove our own worthiness to ourselves. And something that I deeply believe is that you cannot separate intention from outcome. So if you are entering a romantic relationship with the intention, whether you're aware of it or not, to receive a sense of validation, the outcome of that relationship will be very different than the outcome of a relationship that you enter with a sense of love and acceptance and security within yourself. That intention might look like the desire to grow with the person you are dating, the desire to love another, the desire to create beautiful experiences, right? Those two intentions are so, so different and you cannot separate intention from outcome.

JEMAINE:
I love that. And so while we're talking about this self-trust, I have noticed in the programs that you do deliver, strengthening that self-trust is a really big component. I'm wondering, are there any particular tools or strategies that you actually do with your clients to help people achieve that?

DESIREE:
Yeah, thank you for asking. So I think that when it comes to self-trust, the best way that we can increase our self-trust is to experience ourselves in a way that allows us to feel confident, in a way that allows us to feel resilient, in a way that allows us to give ourselves a reason to trust ourselves, right? So, when you ask, you know, what do I do in these programs to support people in deepening their self-trust, It's not an ABC exercise or a specific activity. What this is really about is the concept of creating a sense of safety and security for a person so that they have the ability to take risks. So when a person works with a coach or a therapist and they have established a relationship with that person that they feel is supportive for them, they might be more likely to go out and do something that they wouldn't do otherwise. Maybe it's having a hard conversation with their partner. Maybe it's changing their career path. Maybe it's putting themselves out of their comfort zone to make new friends, right? Because the more supported we feel in life, the more confident we feel in taking risks in our lives. And so as people step out of their comfort zones and they take risks to live in more alignment with themselves, They experience themselves as capable. They experience themselves as resilient. And this way of experiencing themselves, they can increase the amount that they trust themselves. They can see, wow, I actually can do hard things. I actually can do this and I'm okay. And my goal when I work with clients is always to become redundant. It is my dream to see clients no longer want to work with me, not because I don't love working with them. I truly honor and cherish every single experience I get to facilitate for someone. And being a part of my clients' lives is truly the biggest privilege and honor. But to see a client get to a point where they are able to feel confident moving forward without me, I know I've done my job.

JEMAINE:
I think this really validates what you spoke to earlier where your mind will always seek the path of least resistance and it will always seek to validate that initial belief system. So if there is that support initially to take the risk to disprove an initial belief system, once you have that feedback that validates you can do this and it does feel okay and you survived, the belief system starts to pivot right and then the brain starts to look for that new validation. Let's validate that we can do this and we start validating those positive belief systems. So I love that you share that the end goal is to have people do this for themselves, like hold them in the beginning and create that self-trust to then walk alone. Now I'm wondering if we can kind of come back to the relationship side of things because one thing again that a topic that I see very often spoke about in the personal development space is this concept of masculine and feminine energy. Can you maybe speak to that and maybe give our audience a bit of an idea as to what we're talking about when we're talking about this particular energy and what we're looking for in that in relationships with that topic as well?

DESIREE:
Yes, I love that you asked this question and I can feel so much alignment in my body right now. I just feel so expanded and excited because I'm so passionate about this topic. So thank you for bringing it up. The first thing that I'll say about this is that this is actually not a new concept. It is interesting to see how popular it is becoming, and in many ways that's exciting, because I think that understanding these topics can provide so much clarity for people in their lives, but I think that, you know, the more popular something becomes, the more room there is for it to be misunderstood. So, I'm really excited to talk about this today. This topic was initially discovered by a psychologist named Carl Jung, long time ago. So, this is something that we have known about and started to conceptualize many moons ago. It's not just, you know, specific to the spirituality space or the space of personal development. There are roots in psychology. I think it's important to identify first and foremost that when we speak about masculine and feminine energies This is not gender dependent This is so important. So Carl Jung identified that masculine and feminine energetics are present within our psyches, regardless of your gender, regardless of how you identify in the world sexually, you know? So we all have a quality within us that is more feminine. We all have a quality within us that is more masculine.

When we look at just an individual operating in the world, you might utilize both parts of yourself, right? So you might utilize your feminine qualities in certain situations, your masculine qualities in other situations. When we look at now a person coming together with another person, and for this, for the sake of simplicity in this example, I am going to use a monogamous relationship, just two people together. We are now looking at a dynamic where one person has to predominantly be in one energetic and the other person needs to predominantly be in the opposing energetic to create something called polarity. So the way I like to think about this is two magnets, right? You need a positive and a negative magnet to attract one another. If you have two positives, they'll repel. If you have two negatives, they will repel. So the same thing applies in the concept of relationships and masculine and feminine energy. This is another really nuanced part of the topic is that we all have an energetic core that we might feel we are most drawn to. So my energetic core is feminine. When I am in relationship, I feel the best when I am in my feminine energy. That doesn't mean that I don't still get to use my masculine energy out in the world, but it means with my partner, I like to be in the feminine role. So, when we speak about the topic of polarity, it's very important to understand which energetic resonates most strongly with you. where you feel the most in alignment because that will direct how you would like to show up in relationship as well as what kind of partner you would like to be with and it will really allow you to gain a lot of awareness around what you can do to deepen your bond and what you can do to really feel the most lit up within your romantic partnership.

JEMAINE:
And I really love this topic because it's something I've observed a lot with myself throughout my life. The example that I gave earlier about my childhood experience creating this belief system that women aren't safe, that in itself drove me to be predominantly in my masculine. And I've also learned through the time because my dad, when I finally came to the age of moving in with him at 16, had himself already been burned by so many women, he was very disconnected from expressing love. As a child, I know all that I craved and longed for was for him to see me, to feel accepted by him, to feel loved by him. And so what I have learned is that by being in my masculine, because he had been so burned by women in the past, if I could be in a more masculine energy I would be able to be a lot more relatable to him and I'd be able to create that bond that was missing in our relationship. So over the years I've kind of introspected into how I've kind of led to be a little bit more masculine driven in my life and I see that a lot in my work ethic and you know we see this a lot in the social culture as well of this big hustle mentality, hustle culture, and this pendulum swing where we've gone from creating equality between men and women. I've seen this big pendulum where now as a result of that, it's kind of in a way demasculinating men in that sense as well. And I found for myself in my first two relationships, I was very driven. I was the leader. I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew exactly what I was trying to achieve. And like you said, it's very important to discern where you predominate at your core, but then also where you sit in your relationship. And I didn't have that awareness to soften in my relationship and bring in that feminine energy. And my relationship prior to the one that I'm in now, by the end of it, we thankfully had some beautiful communication towards the end of it. But he did feel very intimidated in my presence. I used to feel that he wasn't a man and he wasn't stepping up in his role in our relationship. And I guess with self-awareness and in hindsight, I can start to see that I played a huge role in that through not softening and falling into that feminine space. So I would love to know if you can maybe share from your experience and what you've seen through the time some examples of that imbalance or that lack of polarity in relationships and how that can lead to challenges and dissatisfaction.

DESIREE:
Yeah, absolutely. And thank you for sharing that piece of your journey, Gem. And I know that we've spoken about this just personally in the past. I think that we've had some similar life experiences and I can really resonate with being somebody who has historically shown up in the masculine energetic within my romantic relationships. And this is really what led me to start studying this topic because I realized that something wasn't working and that I didn't feel good. So I think that just for the listeners, it's so important to understand that Just because something is more natural to you doesn't necessarily mean that is your energetic core. So it sounds like for you and I both, Jem, it was more natural for us to be in our masculine. But for myself, what I've learned is that in my relationship, what feels most authentic and true for me is being in my feminine. I want to be led. I want to be pursued. I want to be protected and provided for. And it's not because I'm incapable of doing these things myself. It's because this is what allows me to feel cherished and loved. And I recognize that I have other ways of loving, other ways of giving, and I don't need to do it all myself. So I love that you brought in that more macro level of kind of what's contributing to this whole topic and what's going on, what we're really seeing right now socially. The feminist movement was so crucial in so many ways, but I think that with any social movement, the pendulum like you said needs to swing quite drastically before we find that equilibrium.

 So for women to be in a space where they were deeply encouraged to, you know, pursue their careers and do everything that men were doing, but then still have that pressure of holding it together in the home and being the primary caregiver, I think it's really pushed a lot of women to the point of feeling that they don't need anyone else and If they can do it themselves, why wouldn't they? Right? Why wouldn't they? And what is a man really bringing to the table? And so this is where we're finding this huge imbalance, and it's really quite disheartening, I think, for men and women, because for women, you know, I encourage you, instead of thinking, "why wouldn't I do it all myself," to soften and ask yourself, "how good would it feel to receive that support?"

 And for men, I think men need to feel needed and they want to feel that they have a purpose in the world. And so for men, I think it feels really good to provide and to protect. And I want to move away from the language of men and women and just to say, you know, those who resonate with a feminine core and those who resonate with a masculine core. So coming back to your question, Jem, you know, how do we create this imbalance and what can we do to really create more balance? I think it's about understanding first and foremost that there are so many factors that play into it. The way that we communicate and the way that we receive love, these are two really big ones that I'll speak to. So, first of all, there are some differences for feminine and masculine energies with the way that we receive love.

So the way I like to think of it is the way that a feminine being feels the most loved is when we feel cherished, when we feel a total sense of presence, when we feel that we are just safe, And for masculine beings, what allows them to feel really valued and loved is to feel a sense of respect, to feel that they can provide, that they have a purpose, that they have something that they can contribute. So when we break it down and we understand what do I really need to feel loved, then we can start to ask our partners for that. And we can start to notice where we can make shifts and changes. So that's the first thing, is I would encourage you to ask yourself, in what times do I feel most loved? In what times do I feel that I am able to receive my partner's love in a way that feels really, really good for me?

 The second piece is around communication. So there are actually some neurological factors that influence this. First of all, people who are assigned female at birth, we have greater levels of estrogen. And these greater levels of estrogen mean that we are more sensitive to tonality. We are more sensitive to volume. So the way that a person is speaking to us, we will receive with so much more sensitivity in comparison to somebody who is assigned male at birth. So, recognizing that, you know, using those softer tones, using that sense of slowness and steadiness in tone of voice when speaking to a feminine being, that can go a really long way in helping us feel safe, because as women, we are constantly assessing, is this person a protector or a provider? And something that contributes to that is that level of estrogen in the brain. The other piece here is around the composition of our brain. So, we actually have a larger Broca's area, and that is the area that's responsible for language. So, a lot of women can be quite wordy, we can express ourselves with a lot of language, and that is natural to us, whereas for people who are assigned male at birth, that is not what resonates with them more often than not.

So, recognizing that and learning to speak in a way that is appropriate depending on who you're speaking to. I would explain this like you wouldn't speak to a baby the same way that you would speak to an adult. You wouldn't speak to a dog the same way that you would speak to your co-worker, right? So, we need to take into consideration who we're speaking to and to understand what is going to resonate and get our message across the most effectively. There is a lot more that I could go into on this topic of communication. You can let me know how we're going for time and if we can dive into more depth.

JEMAINE:
Absolutely. I've got all the time in the world for you. Absolutely. But it's interesting, you know, our communication styles is a really important one. And I also think, in that sense, with this awareness now, knowing that it is actually a physiological thing that is defining why our skills can be a little bit wordy and manages a little bit more, I don't want to say basic, but just, you know, a yes, no kind of response. And I think in that communication piece, it's really important with this awareness to bring it back to how we listen as well. Because I know for myself, I find for me to just get to a simple point, I have to take the scenic route to get there. And you can see when someone starts to tune out a little bit. And so I guess, from that male perspective, to be able to come in with this awareness and think, I'm just going to give her my presence. because I know she needs my presence and I may not necessarily feel totally enthused having to sit and listen to this whole detour of a conversation when I know exactly what she's trying to communicate to me. That is a huge part of communication to still offer that, offer that presence. And I guess likewise for the female to recognize, you know, when he's just giving you that short answer, it's not that he doesn't care. It's just that there's not much more in the vocabulary to say. The message is communicated and we don't need to to think or create something out of that when there may not be something there to create.

DESIREE:
I love that you just summarized that so well and I think this is a perfect example of that wordy, you know, aspect of the feminine. But I love that you really took my long-winded answer and helped to really make it quite succinct and simple and to tie those two pieces together to understand, you know, the way that we receive love and the way that we communicate and how they are tied together. That need for presence and how a man can really give that to us by simply listening even if we are talking on and on and for women to be able to understand, you know, A man needs to feel respected, he needs to feel valued, and that sometimes means accepting the way that he communicates, even if it's not the way that you communicate. And not taking it personally, not making it, you know, an issue when perhaps it's just a part of him and the way that he is. And this also reminds me, you know, of the different elements of the masculine and feminine. We have like the shadow side of the feminine and the divine side, the shadow side of the masculine and the divine side. So it's really such a big topic and there's so much that can be illuminated by understanding these things. But it's very exciting that it's starting to become more commonly spoken about and understood.

JEMAINE:
And as you were speaking earlier about the feminine requiring that sense of safety and the man requiring that sense of respect and leadership, two examples came to mind for each. It was only a couple of months ago, last month, that I was actually at Tony Robbins and we're in a stadium of, I think it was seven to 9,000 people. And there was a lady that was standing up in the audience sharing about how she sabotages relationships. And it's generally at the three-month mark that she starts to notice her patterns coming in and she just starts. Initially, before we started to break it down, she was saying, I can't keep a man for longer than three months and was putting it all back on the man. And when we broke it down, she started to recognize that she starts to push him away and that were her behaviors. And it was quite interesting because Tony had actually said to her, or said to the audience, you know, for all the ladies in the audience, I want everyone to put their hand up who has felt a threat to their safety or has just even felt unsafe in the last 24 hours. And I would say maybe 70 to 80% of the room raised their hands. And then he posed the question to the men, how many of you have felt unsafe in the last 24 hours? And there maybe would have been 20 people out of the nine, seven to 9,000 who raised their hands. And he, it was a really beautiful way to show why we do self-sabotage as women sometimes in our relationships and it's, you know, if we do feel that perceived threat to our safety or we do feel unsupported and as a result unsafe in that relationship, then we can start unconsciously rolling out these behaviors that actually push the man away and then start to question why we can't hold that relationship.

To flip it into, I guess, the masculine perspective, I recognized myself, you know, I was raised with a single mother who raised me that you will always be independent, you will be self-sufficient, you do not need someone to help you, you do not need a man in your life, you can do it yourself. And so that obviously carried with me into my initial relationships. My partner was someone who was a country kid and the family, and I guess the cultural values of his upbringing were men are the providers and women stay home and childbear and look after the household. And I found for me, you know, he would try to do things like fix the car or like do certain things. And I'd be like, no, no, no, I don't, I can do this myself. I don't need you to do that. But that was his way of expressing his love. He was an acts of service kind of person, whereas I just wanted his quality time. And, um, And it is quite interesting that in this new season of life and this new relationship that I'm in, I started to, I guess it was my first sense of feeling safe, truly safe in a relationship. And that in itself allowed me to soften into this more feminine energy.

My partner is a very strong and healthy, masculine energy. and it feels really nice to allow him to lead and I have to say out of my relationships from the past this has been the most aligned and effortless relationship to be able to just step back and let him take the lead and sometimes I know the answer or I know exactly what I want, but just to be able to go, what do you think, babe? And allow him to direct and take the lead. Or sometimes I know how to do things and sometimes I feel perhaps I could do them quicker. But to be able to just allow him to step into that role, it's created such a beautiful dynamic in our relationship. And so I do wonder, are there some examples, I guess the majority of my audience are female listeners, are there some examples that you could give of perhaps some actions that they may not be aware of, of how they may be leading with a little bit more masculine in their relationship and how that may be reflecting in the relationship that they're in?

DESIREE:
Yeah, absolutely. I love that you shared both of those examples and I think you did a really great job of just illustrating, you know, why sometimes we show up in this masculine energy even if we know it's not serving us. If we're not feeling safe, it's very challenging to soften into that feminine. So the first thing that I would ask you before you know, being too hard on yourself is just, do you feel safe in your relationship? Because I would say that establishing that sense of safety first and foremost is absolutely crucial before you're going to consider making changes. I think that our own inner masculine is there to protect us and it is there to provide for us if there isn't somebody in our life that feels safe enough to let them do that for us. So, There is a piece there of, you know, sometimes our inner masculine is serving its purpose and let that be okay.

But if you are in a loving, supportive, and safe situation where you feel that patterns from your past or limiting beliefs or just pure fear are getting in the way of creating the relationship that you want, Here are some behaviors that you can look for that might indicate you are operating from that masculine space and perhaps you could make some tweaks or changes. So the first, as you said, Jem, with your previous relationships, the first thing that I would say is really just taking that lead and not letting your partner lead, not letting your partner make decisions. That is one way that I see women so frequently preventing their partner from being in his masculine and really just taking up that space, taking up that role. So asking yourself, can I soften and can I allow him to take the lead sometimes? Even if it is just in small and simple ways, working yourself up to a space of more trust where maybe you feel you can hand the cranes over for something more significant or important, but even if it's something as simple as letting him choose where to go for dinner, you know, letting him decide what you're going to do on the weekend, letting him decide where to park at the grocery store, like just little things and starting to practice that starting to practice the knowledge and the embodied awareness that you don't always need to be in control. And even when you are not in control, things can be okay. Things can be okay and you are safe. So that's probably the biggest one.

Another one is, this is more kind of categorized in the shadow side of the feminine, not so much being in more of the masculine role, but this is something that a lot of women do that can really shut down a man's masculinity, and that is communicating from a place of criticism. And so as I said, you know, a masculine being will feel the most loved when he feels that he has a purpose and that he is being respected. So if you're communicating from a very critical point of view, This is more likely than not going to lead a masculine being to feel that no matter what he does, it's not enough. No matter what he does, he is not enough. He is not valued. And this can be very devastating for that masculine energy. So starting to ask yourself, where am I appreciating my man? Where am I showing that sense of appreciation? And where am I being quite critical? And how can I maybe instead lead from a place of or communicate from a place of desire rather than from a place of criticism? So an example of this might be, let's say you're in a situation where you feel that your partner is not taking enough initiative to plan time with you, okay? You could communicate about this issue in two very different ways that might yield two very different results.

So, coming at it from a critical place of communication, you might say something like, you know, I feel really neglected right now. I don't feel like you are taking enough time to prioritize our relationship. I'm feeling really hurt. I just feel like you don't care and everything else is more important to you than I am. Now, you're probably getting your feelings across, but it may not be in the most effective way, and more likely than not, it could lead to defensiveness, it could lead to an argument, it could lead to that man shutting down, depending on his level of awareness and communication. And that's not to say all the responsibility lies in your hands, but I think it is important to acknowledge that what you bring to the table and the way that you show up does influence the other person and the way that they show up to the table.

So another approach that is more in alignment with leading from desire would be to say something along the lines of, I would love it so much if you could plan something for us this weekend to do together because I absolutely love spending time with you and being with you is such an exciting part of my week that I'm just craving more of. I'm sure you can hear how in that response that would give off the message that this person is valued, that you want more of this person, you want them in your life, it leaves them feeling good, right? And desired and loved and cared for. And that's going to inspire his masculinity, that's going to inspire him to want to lead, to want to plan, to want to cherish you. So it really is a two-way street and I think developing your awareness on how you're contributing to the dynamic is so important. But if you can get him on in on the conversation and really start to spark that awareness with both of you, then... We spoke to the fact that women can be quite wordy with what they're trying to get across.

JEMAINE:
And I think often we can use a lot of words that don't actually articulate what it is that we actually want or what it is that we actually need. And so while we're actually talking, we're not actually effectively being specific with what we want in those moments. And I think that's really powerful as an individual to be able to sit down and go, okay, what do I actually want? And how can I communicate this? Because often we try to communicate it, but we never actually just ask the question. And as you said, men with a shorter vocabulary of how they can get their message across, just need to hear the words, babe, I need this from you. And often when we ask, they're more than happy to.

And the other thing that came to mind, and it's quite interesting because my mum shared this with me years ago, she's worked in safety in mine site for 30 plus years back when there wasn't a lot of women in the industry. And she had learned very quickly that rather than pointing out the unsafe things that people were doing and the wrong things that people were doing, which was not effective, and it was, you know, the response was very reactive and defensive, she would start by saying, I love how you've done this. And I would love if you could maybe come up with an idea of how we can improve that and make that even better. And although she knew how that outcome would be and what it would be, it was just allowing them, I guess, to take the lead and feel like I've come to this conclusion on my own. And I guess in a relationship where we can set that stage for a man to feel like he He can just come in and be like, you know what? I want to take you here. I want to do this. And then he sees that that initiative was rewarded with the way you respond back. That is that feedback loop, right? It wasn't something that he was told to do. It was something that he felt internally driven to do. And as a result, he felt the reward, which allows him to do more of it.

And so I think it's, I absolutely love what you shared there. And I think it's really powerful to just, again, that awareness piece, like, use it as an experiment. And I do also love that you also included in there, it doesn't mean that we have to take sole responsibility for the relationship. But from my time in coaching and specifically working with women, what I see is it's this point of exhaustion in the relationship where it's like, well, what's the point? Because they're not going to do anything anyway. And it's almost like you're expecting the other person to make the change. And so having the awareness that we have and leading by that example is going to really help encourage that healthy communication in a relationship. I think rather than both parties expecting that the other person's going to make the difference, And then often, you know, you see it just validates the outcome on that belief system of it's just not working. So I love that you share that piece. Now, Desiree, I know that you mentioned there is just so much to this masculine and feminine energy and polarity and communication that we could speak into. And perhaps it is another conversation I invite you back to, because I just I love hearing the way that you've responded to these questions. You're just a wealth of knowledge in this space.

Is there anything to conclude this conversation that you think would be really valuable for either individuals that are single and looking for a relationship right now or within a relationship that you think we might have actually missed that you think would be quite important?

DESIREE:
That's a great question. Thank you. And just while I'm thinking of the answer, I would love to just speak to something that you said a minute ago, which is that you said that we can lead the relationship by using a certain language or applying our knowledge. And something that I've seen kind of women grapple with is, well, the whole point, right, is that I don't want to lead the relationship. I want him to take the leadership. But I think this is where I encourage just some reframing around what leadership is and versus what is inspiring, right?

So when we use certain language, we are creating a sense of inspiration. We are inspiring our partner to show up in a different way. When our partner is leading, that might be more in terms of, you know, planning things with us or stepping up to do what needs to be done around the house. Leadership can come across in so many different ways, but I think just differentiating between leadership and inspiration can be an important little tweak in language and just the way that you think about your situation. that can help you to recognize, you know, it takes two in a relationship. Just because you have that desire in your heart for your partner to take initiative and leadership doesn't mean that you don't also get to show up and create a new dynamic with all of the beautiful knowledge and self-awareness that you are gaining. So just a little reframe there that I thought might be helpful for some listeners. Honestly, Gem, I think that we have really covered quite a lot today.

I think that everything that's been spoken about, it's all just knowledge that I wish I had so many years sooner on my personal journey, and I hope that it has served you all today to support you where you're at in your journeys. I guess just for further knowledge, if anybody is wanting to dig a little bit deeper into some of these topics, there are two books that I would really highly recommend. If you're more interested in the topic of attachment and you're wanting to sort of seek further knowledge on that, there's a book called Attached. Maybe you can link it in the show notes gem, but it is just an absolute wonderful guidebook on attachment and I think it sheds so much light on that topic. And another book that I highly recommend if you're wanting to just understand some of the differences in energetics. It's quite an outdated, or I shouldn't say outdated, but it's quite an older book and it's not as nuanced in the sense that it does really speak to, you know, men are this way and women are this way, but you can always interpret it as masculine and feminine energies. and that is the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It is an incredible guidebook as well that can really just serve as a resource in your back pocket. It can help you to identify some of that communication, those language pieces, just little tweaks that you can make in your relationship to support you in understanding your partner and understanding some of those differences because we really are quite different from the way that we're socialized to the way that our biology is composed and really honoring those differences and learning to relate to one another in a way that acknowledges those differences I think can be really empowering.

JEMAINE:
Thank you so much for sharing those resources. And I will make sure both of those books I include in the show notes. And I think this is a really beautiful way to round out this conversation with some practical tools as well, where people can continue that journey. So thank you for that. Now, Desiree, I've got two questions that I finish every episode with. The first one is, I am really interested to know if you have a specific morning routine to start your day, and if so, how that looks.

DESIREE:
This is actually interesting for me to answer. I think that morning routines are all the rave right now in the personal development space and for a long time I felt that I needed to have some big elaborate routine of like meditating and like a cold plunge and a big walk and then like Pilates and this big nourishing breakfast and it was like Just this outrageous kind of idea in my mind and what I've really been leaning into in more recent years is just giving myself compassion to check in with what I actually feel serves me that day. And depending on what I have lined up for the day, sometimes it is simply breakfast and out the door with some simple moments of appreciation and mindfulness while I'm eating my breakfast. Other times it is a morning walk and a coffee. Sometimes it's going to the gym. I actually really love to socialize in the mornings. I feel that in the mornings is when I have my most energy capacity. So on Tuesdays I do a running club with some friends and on Wednesdays I do a bit of like a swimming social club with friends. So really every day looks different and right now that is exactly what feels supportive for me and I love it.

JEMAINE:
I love that answer and I love it so much because it resonates so much for this season of life for me as well.

DESIREE:
I think that something that I noticed with so many of my clients was that people were placing such unnecessary pressure on themselves to establish a morning routine and I laugh because I think that sometimes in the personal development space we have these running themes, right, that people just go and run with it and they're just like, okay, this is my secret ingredient to achieving all my goals and I feel that for a while it was like the idea of a morning routine. And while I definitely think that the morning is such a powerful time of day that can really set the tone for our day and there is so much to be said for that, I think that as a woman and as a feminine being, I find that, first of all, my cycle, you know, that impacts my energy levels, it impacts what I want to do, and it feels so good for me to just give myself permission to go with what my body is asking for and not hold myself to this standard of every day and every week needs to look the same. And secondly, as a feminine being, a big part of that is intuition and flow and movement. And that quality, I think, within me just loves to have the freedom and spaciousness to make decisions based on what feels right.

And I think that that's kind of a piece that is sometimes missing in that personal development space is an acknowledgment of that energetic and how deeply supportive and nourishing it can be. Not everything needs to be like this outlined process, step-by-step framework that we hold ourselves accountable to. And I think all of that kind of mentality is very much rooted in that masculine energy. So just tying this question back into the topics we've been discussing today, I think There is a lot of power also in the free flow of listening to yourself and going with what feels true for you. that day, that moment, that week, and letting that be supportive.

JEMAINE:
Yes, I totally agree and thank you so much for that. The second question that I have to ask is, if there is a question that you could ask our audience to ask themselves that you think would create a shift that would be the difference that makes a difference in their life, what would you have them reflect on or ask themselves?

DESIREE:
I think that there is definitely a question that comes to mind, and this is something that I often ask my clients. So, more often than not, when we come to a coach, when we come to a therapist, when we throw on a podcast, when we're on sort of this personal development journey, there might be something going on in your life that is not working for you, right? And for everybody, that's going to look different. What I would ask the listeners today is to reflect on how would your life be different if that issue was no longer there? Suppose that a miracle happened and maybe you don't know what the miracle is but tomorrow you woke up and there was a miracle and whatever thing it is that brought you to listen to this podcast that brought you to see a coach, that brought you to see a therapist, that initiated your current season of development, if that thing was resolved, what would things be like? And the reason that this is my question is, I think that when you can reflect on that and find the answers, you will feel that your next steps have been illuminated. Because what this question is really getting at is, how would you like your life to truly be? And it's supporting you to imagine a reality beyond the reality that you currently have. and to shed light on what are some of the things, the tangible steps and goals that you can start setting to move towards that reality. And that's going to look very different for each person, but I think that it can be a really powerful question to reflect on.

JEMAINE:
I love that. That is really beautiful. And I think as well, when we are in, you know, the thick of the ship, and you know, perhaps the our blinkers are on, and we're just looking down that narrow vision of the personal reality that we're currently in, when we can actually just take a step out of it, you know, it's that same thing of you've always got the greatest advice to give a friend, but we never take it ourselves. And it's because we're looking from a different lens rather than through our own lens. And so I love that you share that because it's like, cool, the situation is here right now, but let's just shift our lens and look through a different, from a different direction or from another angle and see how it could be. And through that often we can also see that the barriers that we actually think are there when we're looking straight down the path aren't actually there and there are other pathways to travel to go around. So I really think that's a really beautiful one to reflect on. Thank you for that.

DESIREE:
Thank you so much for having me. This has been such a beautiful conversation and I really enjoyed coming on and chatting with you.

JEMAINE:
Thank you so much for your time and your wisdom. And hopefully we get to catch up and do this again. But thank you so much for today. Thanks for listening. I hope today's episode inspired you in your journey towards wellness. And if you enjoyed the episode, please share it with a friend because it'll help you truly understand the information that you've taken in today. And of course, it'll plant the seed for wellness in the life of someone you love. I'd love if you could leave me a review over at Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over at social media at It's All Wellness. I really love hearing the feedback from you as it helps me to continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our incredible guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life, then make sure you sign up for the wellness newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at jermainefillet.com. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are so loved, you are so worthy, and you matter. Now it's time to go out there and be the best person you can be. Until next time, remember, it's all wellness.